Found:
A book on dreams.
It's only been a few days since he left. He should be there by now. Whether it is this supposition that heightens my anxiety or not is neither here nor there. After all, the sooner he arrives, the sooner he deals with the issue and the sooner he return, right?
Maybe.
It could be something, it could be nothing. I don't know and can't know unless he sends word, returns or I do the very thing I promised not to do. The latter isn't going to happen, so I've little choice but to continue my waiting game, as difficult as it may be.
To keep my mind off the potential for disaster, I've thrown myself into my work. The first book is complete. I've three more to go. This keeps me suitably distracted during my waking hours, but does nothing to aid me during my sleep.
The nightmares persist. They are also becoming increasingly unpleasant. It's not just the usual ones now, though even those that have recurred for years have become heightened. More potent. More terrifying. Twisted and darkened somehow. Last night, he was in one of them. Now, I know that's not how it goes - he wasn't there back then - but it was so much more disturbing.
This can't go on. My usual way of dealing with it is failing me. Increased exercise to the point of exhaustion does nothing to help me sleep. I can't do what I did last time either - there's no one to watch over me, and where would I get a grave blossom at this time of year? - so, I've sought another way.
The scholars had a book on dreams. Much of the text was useless. I cannot, for the life of me, figure out why dreams of sheep would mean that I need a new table. These interpretations are nonsense, but luckily it's not interpretation that I require. I know what my dreams mean, I know what they are: naught but bad memories and manifestations of the fear that I refuse to acknowledge in the daylight.
No, what I need is a better way to make them cease. Thankfully, it has advice for that too. I'm not quite sure how much stock I put in it given the ridiculous woolly thinking of the author, but something is better than nothing.
So, no more tea after noon. No alcohol, which is fine for I rarely drink anyway. Exercise is suggested, which I already do. Meditation to calm and still my mind, and apparently some sort of daily mantra. I am to repeatedly tell myself how I want my dreams to manifest, and how I wish them to go.
It also suggests that I discuss them with someone. But who? These are not things that I wish to speak of with anyone, and it was speaking of their cause in the first place that brought them back!
Oh well. When he comes home, he should be pleased since I'm also supposed to sleep more, not less, thus I will have to get used to being in bed for longer in the mornings.
Even if it does nothing to help, it can't hurt to try.
