What makes a Man?
Flesh, bone and blood. Is the simple answer, one I wish I could accept and be done with it. However, feelings and emotion, they are part of it as well. Happiness, love, anger, sorrow, to name the most common. Something that comes natural to every child, so why do I have such trouble with it all?
What do you call someone who feels nothing when he watches a newborn infant die in his arm? No sorrow, no pain and no guilt for being unable to save them? The woman calls it a blessing. That a man in my profession can have something like this happen and feel nothing, that it's for the better.
When I asked the other woman, she admitted she'd be sad and would weep upon returning home if this would happen to her. I returned, not thinking twice about it and continued my work, as if nothing had happened. It's only in my idle time that I began to think on this. All of it came at once.
I didn't mourn my brother.
I didn't mourn my father.
I didn't mourn my grandparents.
No one.
I couldn't give my mother the affection a child should, she grew distant from me as a result. Her mind broke when my brother passed and shattered when my father fell to his illness. I was left, and it was no comfort to her. I wasn't able to save her beloved son.
I wasn't prepared for any of this. It was much easier to stand in the back and observe, while father took care of the patients. There wasn't any contact or the need to talk to them, try to understand them. I thought I was ready to see to those personally, but now I doubt myself at every turn.
I was confident enough to take on an apprentice, one that has now betrayed my trust. I'm not angry, but there's disappointment. Knowing I'll be unable to share my research and interest. I had looked forward to having such a person.
Trust, it's a fragile thing and not something I'll give away too freely again.
I continue to return to what to do regarding women, if there's even a point. If I can't feel sorrow, anger or even hate, then is there any possibility I feel love? If I couldn't give such affection to my own family, what do I have to offer any woman?
I'll still need an heir at some point in the future. Maybe if I put coin aside and save up, some agreements can be arranged.
Hopefully now, my mind can be rid of these weighing thoughts. They've been too distracting. This has helped and if I could thank my brother for the idea, I would.
With this down on paper, hopefully it will be the last time I need to write in this journal. That I can return to what I'm used to.
