I was so nervous, waiting outside the gates of Hookworth watching for the sun to rise, everything packed for the journey to Imladris, worrying that something would go wrong. That I'd have forgotten something, that the weather would be too terrible, that despite all my reassuring reasons it would turn out to be dangerous, and most of all, that the Elves wouldn't be as welcoming as I'd hope.
And then it turned out that the journey wouldn't be happening today after all. It seems that word reached Miss Adri that there was something she had to bring with her to deliver to Imladris. I'm not sure what it was. She was hurried as she rode up to tell me this, and that we would leave the next morning instead, before rushing off to make whatever preparations were needed. She was very apologetic, and I tried to tell her it was all right -- I'm just glad she's letting me tag along at all!
As I rode back to the stables I realized that meant I could go to the Bree Yule Ball after all. Of course, I still didn't have anyone to bring, but as Miss Sareva had told me, it's perfectly all right to go without, as she intended to.
At a ball, one expects to dance, so as I made my way there, I worried whether I had the courage in me to ask a girl to dance. The very idea was chilling. As I rode, I asked myself why it was so frightening. If you ask, and she says no, then you're right back to where you were if you didn't ask, I would tell myself, but I was unconvinced.
Back in Marton, while we didn't have Yule Balls, we certainly had dancing at festivals, and I had dutifully learned the steps to a number of dances. However, I hardly ever managed to use them, mostly because of my brothers and their constant teasing. In fact, the more I think of it, the more I realize that almost anything I ever did, I felt discouraged from by their teasing. My whittling, my singing, my work on the farm, my dancing, and everything else. Perhaps that's why I never chose a trade or showed any drive to do anything; whatever I could think of just seemed like another reason for them to tease me, and remind me of my failings.
But surely the biggest reason to be terrified of asking someone to dance was my most recent, and most painful, failing. The last time I'd asked someone to dance, it had started a series of events that still haunted me. And soon after my arrival, that memory became all the more stark, as I saw that Haritha was in attendance, with a friend I later learned was named Miss Julyah and a few fellows whose names I didn't find out. I think she danced with one of them a few times, but I tried not to watch. While I was trying to summon the courage to ask someone to dance, the last thing I needed was to be looking at the girl who, when I'd asked her to dance, had said no. While she was dancing with someone else.
Of the girls there, I had thought I might first try to ask Miss Sareva. Not because this was less daunting; far from it. Miss Sareva has always felt to me like a queen who somehow was pretending to be a tailor, making me feel all the more like an imposter just to be speaking to her. However, when we'd talked about the ball, she'd been very encouraging, telling me that she expected to come alone, and that wasn't going to stop her from attending, so it oughtn't to stop me. I thought that might help me through the fear. However, to my surprise, she spent the entire ball in the company of a fellow named Alldren, some sort of merchant in Bree. There was never a moment I might have asked her that she wasn't busy with him.
But it was Miss Syaven, who I'd met at Hookworth Harvest Home, that I really hoped I might get to ask to dance. Time and again, I tried, but failed. Either my courage gave out, or something interfered at just the wrong moment -- someone speaking to me, or to her, or the reading off of another prize-winner. For quite a while, I couldn't ask her because she was dancing with an Eorling named Hund, which I found disquieting given the unsavory comments he had made to me earlier, as well as to (and about) Miss Brynleigh.
But I kept waiting for my opportunity, and hoping I would find the courage somehow. Miss Brynleigh helped when her husband graciously allowed us a dance, which reminded me that, nervous as I was, I did know the steps and could muster up a modicum of grace. And finally, with only a few songs left before the minstrels would leave, I saw a moment. It was nearly interrupted by several other conversations, but I brushed them aside and asked, almost stubbornly daring fate to intervene again. My strategy for finding the courage was simple: I would ask too quickly for my own fears to catch up with the question. By the time I could worry about it, it would be too late.
And she said yes, and we danced. For too short a time, as the Ball was nearly over. By her telling, I made a good accounting of myself, though I can hardly remember anything but nervous fumbling. After the minstrels departed, we talked a while by the fire. Haritha and Julyah interrupted us, and to my surprise and in some ways amusement, Haritha said she'd meant to ask me to dance just before the music ran out -- what an idea, given what had come of the time I'd asked her the same! And that, in turn, led Miss Syaven to ask me what the discussion was about, so we went for a short walk so I could explain a little bit of the situation, and why it was over.
I wouldn't have minded walking with her for many more hours, despite the biting cold, but my journey still awaits with the dawn, and I must be ready. But as I try to fall asleep, the strains of the songs and the steps of the dance run through my head. I go now to travel through bitter winter cold along possibly perilous roads, and yet, I feel stronger than I have in time uncounted, not because I am ready for the journey, but because, despite what happened the last time, I somehow found enough courage to ask a girl to dance, and she said yes.
