I was so afraid earlier today... The man who kidnapped me, he was in the Pony when my guard and I went. For some reason, I let out a shriek of terror. Why did I let out a shriek of terror? Why did I hide? Is the coward in me that has always been there finally coming out?
I am afraid I will only grow worst. I have to stop before I become one of the helpless ladies depending on the support of others. My damn leg doesn't help though, it's hard to walk. And my mind, I can't focus it easily. My head hurts so much, and my vision feels as if the world is blurry and dark. Like a shadow. I feel dizzy when I stand, and I have to stand on one foot. Is something wrong with me? Why does my mind seem so confused since I came home?
Ana is getting married by the way. So is my other friend, I'll just call her Pretty. I don't like having female friends, I never had them before. Pretty wants to teach me to cook and clean and keep a house. Ana talks to me about her pregnancy problems... It's so confusing to me. Like I told Pretty , I doubt I shall find a man anytime soon. I am not a woman to be loved, I know that. I push people away too much. It is not only that I do not want love, but I do not want a man to think it is his job alone to protect me and please me.
I don't want someone to cling to me nor do I wish for someone else to cling to... I cannot stand on depending upon others. And yet there is a man I do love. But anyway I cannot stand being afraid. That is very much unlike me. I do not care if I die, I already know that. When death comes, I shall fight it with all my might, but I will not fear or cry. I will die. Simple as that.
