I hate waking up after a very drunk night, it pains me for some reason, unrelated and unrealistic thoughts go through my mind, they are as vivid as an unfocused sight or a very bad drawing.
My hand reaches for the brush almost every night before sleep when i'm away from home, trying to picture how my garden last looked like, it keep my heart close to home, I tend to draw her standing with him on her hands, my wife and two year old, but all of this isn't enough is it, I just keep thinking of the vivid dreams, of memories that look just like it was lost.
It was strange life as i remember, messy, touching, passionate but stupid now I think of it, none of it is real, they just keep coming to my mind.
I do not know if I should stop reading from those poetry books and story books because of it, I know I can't not drink a mug before going to bed because i'm away from them.
It does not hurt as much as missing them, I mean I have her letters almost everyday and I did stay at home for two weeks with the family last time before coming back here to these lands, lands where I have no friend or relative, no person to speak to.
Who would want to speak with me anyway, I'm as low as a peasent and have no proffission, I feed my family from the few silvers I get by selling the flowers, the Rose and the lilly must be crying for not sharing the same soil when they are sold but at least they share the same soil in my room and my garden.
Arrgh... but they keep coming... those memories of the dream, I want them gone, my mind want them gone but... my heart want them to stay.
There was The Rose and the sunflower tryng to be friends and they always get seperated by many ways, either by death or breaking out, it hurts my heart alot, the Lillies, it is always te lillies that the Sunflower end up marrying, the Sunflower loves the lillies, they represent everything the sunflower needs in its short life, but I end up selling the lillies and keeping the sunflowers on the window frame, sorry sun... my son need to live so is my lilly.
The many times I tries to write my dreams in diary so I do not forget, but dwelling in dreams is not reality and bad and reading them makes it even silly, besides I do not know how to write, I'm not even sure I can speak the words right, they all seem good in my mind but I end up saying them in strange way, most people do not understand at first but they end up knowing what i mean, it makes me difficult, I do not think I will be getting any more friends this way, not that it is even a reason I'm here, I have a goal set in my mind, I just hope it works well for as long as I live.
Besides, I do not think I will be able to seperate the sunflower bonding with the lillies, it is like a nightmare everytime it happens, what is more of nightmare is the fact that I dream about the flowers and their feelings while imagining them as people, Good thing I forget fast of my dreams, otherwise I would be living a fantasy... that is... if i'm not in one already.