I look at my writings of last night, and even I am shocked at the bleakness of it. Being earnest in this diary of my thougths is proven harder then I can imagine. But I feel a need to write it down, firstly for myself, but also for my sister...I feel a need to explain, although I don't know what it is exactly I want to portray.
I do know what is troubling me in a way, I can no longer deny it to myself. The visions of my home of Lindon is a calling or a beckoning, a way of saying that is perhaps time for me sail for the West. And I have denied myself that calling...I am fighting for a cause, fighting against the Orcs and more importantly fighting for this world, as I feel and see the threats trying to engulf our world as we know it.
As I read my words again I cannot help but smile, who am I to think I am so important? I know very well I am only a lone female elf, in the long scheme of things my doings will not shift the balance. So why is it so important to me, to deny myself what I really desire. To be able to start the day with my studies and to end that day with it too....or give in to the calling of the sea and make my way finally to the West.
But I can't blame anyone but myself. I had chances of love, or a solitary existentence of study, I chose in the end neither of them. I chose to fight instead. I wish I could say I have chosen wisely, as now I am so much doubt. I can only hope the future will tell.
