Hairy Feet

 Oh, lovely are carrots and lovely are peas
And ever so lovely's a berry-pie sweet,
But lovelier still than the fruit on the trees
Is a lad with bright eyes and soft hair on his feet.

There once was a Hobbit lass sweet as a pie
The loveliest lass in the whole of the Shire:
Few days without lads to propose would go by,
But she had not found one to match her desire.

She said: "I do care for your roses so red
And waves and helloes and sweet smiles from the lads -
But show me a Hobbit who will turn my head
And I'll show you a Hobbit with hair on his pads.

The Elves are just lovely of face and of hair
Fantastic and beautiful, factually -
But their feet wear shoes and their soles are all bare,
That is just disgusting - unnaturally!"

One sunny day in the fair month of may
A lad came along, and he asked her to wed.
She just took one look and spoke: "Get thee away!"
"Cause I won't take these cold feet into my bed."

"I've never seen feet with that little hair!
Ridiculous stubbly and laughable things!
Your feet are disgusting, all muddy and bare!
To woo me like this must be madness, I think."

He smiled and he spoke (though his face was quite pale):
"My dear, I am for the best foot-hair well-known:
But listen to me now, I'll tell you the tale
What happened to me on the way to your home."

"This night I was walking, no lamp I did need:
My hair was all shining like copper and gold.
I walked well along by the light of my feet
When what should I see but a furious troll?

He yelled: 'What does glitter in moonlight so fine?
A fur spun of gold and of jewels so rich!
Hand over these riches, my Hobbit, they're mine!'
At this I got scared and I jumped in the ditch.

The mud hid the shining, I had got away
And I was quite proud of myself and my luck.
But all in my running I had lost the way
And as I looked for it, I felt myself stuck!

I had gotten swallowed by a large mud-pit
And I was as rooted as a willow-tree!
But fear not, my love, for I am quick of wit:
I grabbed my foot-hair and pulled myself free!

I came to a bee-hive that stood by the road
And borrowed some wax to again groom my hair.
And, being done with that, so on I strode,
Yet sadly the smell had attracted a bear!

I ran, but the honey was sticky and tough!
- I left much hair on the road then I fear -
I looked up and above saw a bough -
Rescue, so far away while still so near!

Quickly I bent down to my toes (what a deed!)
And made my hair into a long thick braid.
Tossed it on the bough and climbed up with some speed.
So you see, this is why the ends are quite frayed."

The lass laughed. "I see!" (though believe she did not)
"And the rest sure was eaten by a fierce tree-cat."
He said: "No, to climb down I had made a knot -
I was down, it was up - and that was that!"

"To get free, I had to cut my hair-rope;
Or else I would still be on top of the tree.
So you see, if you want me you will have to cope -
But I hope you'll forgive me and still marry me."

She laughed. "You have won me through spirit and charms,
I think I could live with the foot-hair you lack."
The lad smiled and took his love into his arms,
And he whispered: "You know - hair DOES grow back!"