Found:
If the truth changes from moment to moment, can it really be deemed as truth? Is it, instead, a pretty lie? A cover? A misdirection? All of the above? Can it be believed or trusted?
But if lies they are, then to whom?
One or more?
Things I've noticed. Things I've heard and been told and seen. It doesn't add up. None of it adds up. Too many discrepencies. The pieces just don't fit.
Was I wrong to trust? Was it a mistake to do so? To care? To be honest and expect the same in kind?
I know I can be paranoid. I question. Always question. I look for motives. I look for reasons. I look for sense in the chaos and chaos in the sense. They think I don't notice when something is awry. They take my silence for ignorance. But I watch and I wait and I listen. I pay attention. I learn.
Much of what I'm learning currently is "too much" and "not enough" are interchangable offences. Talk/don't talk. Give/don't give. Offer more/offer less. Accept/question. Trust....
But when given reason after reason to stop trusting, to stop believing... is it then wrong to doubt?
Tell me more, but if you try, you're lying. Tell me more, but you're wrong; I know better than you. Tell me more, but I won't believe it until someone else says it, and then it is they who told me, not you. Tell me more, but I won't listen.
Mind games. Haven't I had enough of those?
I know what I feel. I know what I want. I know who I am. I know what I need.
Is it worth it? To try to make that clear? I have tried. Again and again. I am doubted. I am ignored. I am disbelieved.
Is the paranoia really my own, then? Does it belong to someone else? Has it been thrown back at me as a way to conceal its true origins?
Someone is playing, but for once it's not me.
Perhaps it's time to walk away.
Perhaps...
Running solves nothing. I learned that the hard way. Running solves nothing. I want to run. I want to leave it all behind and let it all go. I want to forget.
I'm trapped. I'm trapped. I'm drowning.
I'm free. I'm alone.
The spiral stops. The world turns. I plant my feet. I brace. I need no shield. I am strong. I am brilliant. I am fire. I burn. I can bring light, warmth, comfort, or I can destroy all in my path. Which shall it be today?
I'm done playing nice.
