It has been some time since I have written and it has been said, more often than not; that writing is a good way to pass time, moreso than 'assaulting innocent people' at least. Personally, I find the latter more interesting. Alas, in recent events, this seems a safe haven to turn to. Anger. Jealousy. Upset. How this last week and so can be summarised in but a few words, it is intensly depressing. I have but myself to blame, it is my fault... I should be able to control it. It isn't fair... Life isn't fair... Surely I should know that by now?
I hate everything. I want to hit, -anyone-... No matter what. Even the simplest of annoyance provokes an agression in me I knew existed, but kept caged. My inner 'wolf' if you will is becoming uncontrollable. And why? For stupid emotions I am not meant to feel. Heart-broken depression. An unfair sadness born from feelings I wish so greatly I did not have. From sadness came despair, from despair came anger. I don't have a heart, I never did. So why is it killing me? Damn you love... Damn you to hell. I've trained myself, for twenty five years to stand pain, to withstand the hurt. I have been stabbed, cut, punched... I've had bones broken... But yet, what little heart I had left, hurt far more than any blade could ever. One single word, cut deeper than any sword.
'No'.
Is it because I am selfish? Is it because I can't take no for an answer? I dont know... This is my own fault, I have nobody else to blame.
She knows... She knew... I told her that I loved her. -I- knew I should never have. Love is a noose... And it -is- going to hang me. She told me she loved me back, and yet... She choose Hanteer, over me. After everything. I came out second best... -That- hurt, but I lived. She came back to me. She kissed me again and nothing made me happier. And then... I was second best once more... To his brother?! -That- was too much to handle, I am weak.. But I can't find my feet. Will I always be second best? I guess so.
I am not a back up plan... If things don't work out between her and him... I will -not- be there. I wont let her come to me, because her first option didnt work out. Saracyn told me I am worth more than that, and I am inclined to believe her.
I don't qualify. I'm her 'brother'. I'm not what she wants... No matter how much I wish it. But... I wish her the best, I dont matter. Not to her, not to me. She is happy. Thats what matters.
She broke my heart, I destroyed it.
