Found:
Anger and confusion.
I think I've lost him. That's a good thing, right? It's what I wanted, what I needed but... not like this, however this is.
I was bored again. I was lonely again. I went outside to enjoy the sun and met a man. We talked. We drank. We ended up in bed. There's naught wrong with that. Alright, he's not the prettiest or wittiest of creatures. Sure, he started off our encounter with insults, but he's single, I'm single, where's the harm?
After the past weeks, the frustrations I've been left with, the unanswered needs and empty yearning, I needed something, anything to take my mind off it all. So, when presented with a vaguely passable man who, whilst woefully dull witted, could offer me a momentary distraction, why shouldn't I take it?
It didn't really work. The man could have been considered mediocre if I'd had my head in it. But I didn't. Even with the sole purpose of trying to distance myself from him, to distract myself from him, Dagramir continued to haunt my thoughts. I might have enjoyed myself had I been less concerned with the fact that this silver-haired oaf was not the the one I wanted him to be.
It was supposed to serve a purpose and I suppose it did, just not the one I'd intended.
Dagramir came by. He didn't catch us in the act. He walked in after the fact, but it was enough. He saw a naked man in my bed. He knew and.... I think it hurt him.
When he at first stormed off, face a'thunder, I thought that he was just discomforted by the notion of having interrupted such a thing. I followed him out though, dragging my useless arse as fast as I could, to apologise for putting him in that situation. It took only a few words for me to realise just how wrong I was. He wasn't uncomfortable, he was angry.
I tried to discuss it with him but he'd have none of it. He carried me back inside, placed me down, stared at me a while and them stormed back out again. He was gone too quickly for me to follow this time and, even if I'd been fully mobile, I'm not sure it would have done any good. By then, I was more than a little annoyed myself.
What gives him the right? How dare he be angry with me over this?
He is the one with commitments, not I. He is the one with promises to keep, not I. He has his Raven to return to night after night and I have no one. All I have is misplaced feelings for a man who doesn't want me, that same man who will throw a tantrum over me seeking comfort in the only way I've ever found it?
Bah!
He hasn't asked me for fidelity and he certainly can't expect it. I'd give it if he wanted it, if he offered the same to me, but he hasn't and he won't. He has to her, but not to me. Isn't that the point, though? I'm the afterthought, the contingency plan, the one he'll consider coming to if things with her go wrong.
I can't be that. I won't be that!
Maybe this is for the best. Maybe he'll think twice now. Maybe he'll abandon me entirely, along with that silly idea to follow me if I leave. Maybe I'll get exactly what I want and be free of all this complicated, painful emotional instability.
So why does the disappointment in his gaze tear chunks from my already battered heart?
Why do I feel such a profound sense of regret?
Why do I want to just hold him close and whisper apologies?
No. I refuse. I refuse to be the guilty party here. I have done no wrong!
Let him come to me. Let him explain his outburst. Or let us be done.
