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On loneliness

I studied many hours in the library, with Dalton giving me the books he had on the Old Forest and also Fangorn. The library's quiet made me lonely so I often took a few books to the Prancing Pony to read. At least there were people there making noise.

To ease the tediousness of reading the one subject, I asked Dalton to also recommend books explaining soldiering. These I will not tell Bry I am studying. He does not wish me involved with the Eored. I understand he wishes to protect me, but how can I be of any use to him if I don't understand what he goes through?

I want to be a good wife. A good wife stands next to her man helping him in all he does, not in the shadows waiting for him to return, hoping he is not injured or dead. I want to learn to fight and stand by his side. I want to work with the Eored. But if all he will have of me is a woman to take care of his farm I must live that life and give him my happiness.

He rarely comes home, even his pappa has noticed this. I don't want to upset Bry so I keep to myself. Not talking right makes me fearful of people, so I have only Calilla as a friend, maybe. I go to her shop regularly. We practice Westron together. Why did I even think I could make a man as important as Bry a good wife? Bema is punishing me for thinking I am above my position. I should have kept my promise to myself and not let myself fall in love. Life would be easier and far less painful than it is now.

But they say I am with child. If this is so, I will have a piece of Bry that I can lavish my love on if he will not take it. My child will be half him. This will give me happiness, I think. But I know not where I will go from there.

I write this for you, my child, so you may know your mother. I am uncertain where I shall be when you are growing and grown. Life is so uncertain. I wish I had known my mother better. Maybe then I could be a good wife. And now I fear I will also fail to be a good mother.