Whizz, I can still hear the sounds of that strange beast of a man as he breathed his last. My arrow hurtling through the air. Piercing the flesh of his back. The means do not matter, only the ends. Dishonourable, perhaps. But then I do not have a warrior's code. I'm not a soldier, though I have played one.
And how satisfying it was. Pity that I could not see the light go out of his eyes because of that strange iron mask. I made a judgement call. He was about to kill an unarmed man. He could have even hurt the girl I love. But blood stained the bridge upon where he fell. A strange sense of peace came about me. The Stone Quarter bandits ranks are being thinned, I will hunt them down one by one. I have a licence to publically do my bloody work. It's... unusual. Normally I kill from the shadows. I did say I wanted to be myself, not fake. But I still maintain pretense even now. I have considered confessing to all. Now, I am not sure which course to take. I find myself dreaming of happier days with my love. Of course, I am aware that these visions are nonsense. This will not have a happy ending.
Perhaps I could have taken my victim alive, Questioned him as suggested to me. But no sooner than I had notched my bow my instincts kicked in. He was about to kill. I had no time to think, only to act. I regret this. Not just because of the information he could provide.
The fool on the bridge. I should have allowed the crazed killer to at least have smashed in his skull before I shot my bow. The ingratitude he displayed. The idiocy. Coming into close proximity with such a foul creature with not even a knitting needle sharp enough to penetrate his flesh. He then had the insolence to call me, the man who had just saved his hide. A murderer. I could have pushed him off the bridge there and then, I had a very strong urge to.
Where do I even begin when it comes to my love, I need to protect her. Make sure she is as safe as she possibly can be before I shuffle off. I do not want to confront these feelings. I simply wished to hunt these men. Then following the conclusion. Take what steps I may to bring my time here to an end. Now, as I said before, I am not sure what the end may be. It may be confession, it may be something else. I suppose I shall have to work that out.
I have kept my calm this past while. I have learnt not to question.
What is this, she asks me. What is this between us, are we together? Does everything have to have a label. There is some comfort in not analysing everything. In just living in the moment. Why do we have to call it anything? Can't we just enjoy each other's company. In the here and now. It doesn't have to feel like I'm tied down, I can live like this and not leave her. Can't I? No, no. In that direct way of hers that is an impossibility. She wants absolute certainty. The voices grow loud again, I could have continued like that. I need to shut the voices up. If I can just shut them up. Perhaps, I do not need to go anywhere.
I am paralysed by indecision.
Does she have a death-wish? I had to subdue her, putting her in a choke hold untill she was unconscious. I was this close to snapping. I told her I'd considered killing the ungrateful idiot simply because of the vile manner with which he'd scorned me, as though I was the vilest man upon the street that night and not the monster that lay face down. She appeared to take me literally. This man being her 'friend', apparently.
If I killed everyone I felt like killing, they would run out of room in Eriador when it comes to placing the cemeteries.
She launched herself at me, I could have killed her. The same way as I nearly killed the mother of my first-born child. The same way as I killed my childhood friend. No, I had to take her down. Without doing her any physical injury. She was out of control. The hold I had upon her left her looking serene almost as she slipped from consciousness, she looked so peaceful.
I lay her down in the bed. I kissed her forehead. The demon within me would not be unleashed tonight. She surely knew, surely knew that to strike me in such a way was folly. What inspires this disregard, This foolishness. She is a clever girl. I almost lost control of my demon. I am poison... Does she have a death-wish, I repeat. I think she does.
