Gently she ran her index finger over the fragile paper. Some of the letters were almost wiped out by age. She had no idea how many times she had briefly read through the diary. Although many pages were blank, they bore the impression of being written by longing and fear. Her tears ran down her cheek as she took up the pen from her bag pack. She hesitated a long time before she decided to use the last page .. She whispered quietly to herself ... "These words are for you Father".
Dear father
First of all I want to thank you for the diary you gave me. No gift has ever been so dear to me. It gives me a small insight into who you are, your thoughts and feelings. Because I never had the opportunity to know you, your diary is like a precious treasure to me.
I have been told since I was a little kid that my father was dead. I believed in them in the beginning. But later when I wanted to know more about you, I got an inkling that something was wrong.
Every time I mentioned you, my mother went silent. She always said ... "Not now." Her eyes had always a little puff of nervousness .. I began to suspect that she lied to me. That you were not dead. Long time I rode around just to look for similarities in all kind of men I saw. "Was he my father? Or maybe he? Raised among women just as I was, I really longed for a father's character. I completely stopped mention you to my mother. She refused to say anything at all anyway. But I never stopped looking for you.
A few weeks ago she told me about her "good friend" But I was not dumber than I understood they were more than " good friends. She admitted later that they had a relationship.
The first time I met my mother's new friend was not so pleasant. He seemed to be a nice man, but I hated that a total stranger should be part of our future. I behaved rudely in his presence. And I began to question her about my father again.
The last time I met them together, she told me that my aunt Drimmeth was coming. She had news to me .. About my father.
" I could not wait, father"
My best friend ,Asket joined me to ride to meet Drimmeth on the halfway. At the edge of Lorien we met. She was bringing good news. She told us to follow her to a place called Stangard. I remember that trip seemed very long. Yet it really was not that long. Many thoughts filled my head. My body felt numb.
The darkness had already casted its shadow over Stangard, when we arrived. As in a trance I followed Drimmeth when she went up to the gate. We were not really allowed to go inside, but it seemed as if Drimmeth already had a appointment with them. Because after a few minutes of chatting with the guard, he let us pass. Drimmeth went straight up to the door to one of the guard towers. I remember I became dizzy when I went up the narrow stairs. The first thing I saw when I got up, was a man standing in one of the corners. I felt it even before Drimmeth said anything .. My father ..
I remember I had planned this moment very thoroughly. I should say. " Hey I'm your daughter, Welin" And then I should tell you a little about myself. My interests, my job, my plans for the future. Then I should ask you about your life, what you had done, where you had been ." Father"? I have imagined a lot of nice things we could do. Go fishing, riding, explore Middle-earth.
Maybe ... you and my mother would find back the love for each other. That was my plan , father. My lovely dream.
Your eyes were cold ... A warrior's eyes. Suddenly I remembered all the warnings my mother told me. She said that I should not expect anything from you. With a trembling voice I said hello to you. You hardly paid any attention to me. My emotions took over completely . I said some bad words to you. Then you turned your back and walked away .. I was in shock .. All my illusions about a beautiful meeting were smashed into pieces. I barely noticed that Drimmeth asked me and Asket to follow her. I just followed, without really realising it. We found you sitting at the bar. I just stood there speechless and helpless, meanwhile Drimmeth walked over to you.
You looked at me straight into my eyes, when Drimmeth beckoned us. I was so afraid to lose you again. With my temper and disappointment under control, I tried again to say hey to you .. My heart was beating extra hard when I felt that you responded a little more. After a while I even dared to sit next to you. The conversation went a little slow. You were so short in your answers. It hurts that you did not ask about my life. But one thing you said:
That you were a deserter.
I did not quite know what it meant. Not until later.Then it was too late. Then I already had begun to feel sort of a bond between us.
Your attitude had become softer, still very strict and suspicious. But I felt that there was a connection between us. It was not until I asked you if you wanted to know me better, I realized what a deserter entailed. You said I had to leave, go home. You were bound to Stangard. For the rest of your life.
Before I reacted, you were already heading towards the door. You said "wait"
When you came back, you gave me your diary. I felt a happiness that turned out to be very short. For this was a farewell. Forever and always.
Deeply in your eyes I saw something. I saw a combination of pain, happiness, and relief. I think I did. I choose to believe that. I was so shocked that I did not understand that you were not the only one saying goodbye. Drimmeth also said goodbye. She should travel further to Rohan. My tears were hard to hold back. I needed her now. She was my only link to you. I do not remember much of what happened after that. I suddenly felt a bearded cheek against my cheek. You gave me an awkward hug.
I do not remember exactly what I said. Something about "I love you, I will stay here" And then I found myself running out the door with Asket running after me .. I was blinded by tears there I ran towards the gate in Stangard . " I stayed ,Father .. Asket had to head to Bree alone "
I will stay here beyond stangard in the hope of getting a glimpse of you. I feel safe in my little tent. I feel safe because I know you're watching me. There you are standing on guard in the tower. With a view to my tent. Maybe you are watching me now? So close, but yet so far away.
My dearest Father.
Your daughter Welin
She put the pen back where she found it. She closed the diary and gently kissed the front of the book. She crawled out of the tent, with the the diary still in her hand. She glanced up at the tower in front of her. Tears flowed down her cheeks.
"Sweet dreams Father .. I love you."
Exhausted from crying she crawled into the tent and put the diary carefully under her head. She pulled the worn cloak over herself.
