Opening up, lowering defences
What have I done? I took a big risk. I could have lost a lot that is dear to me and maybe I still can. What I did goes against all my guardian training: I lowered my defenses and opened up.
But there is a big difference: this was not to taunt some terrible monster, no! On the contrary even, it is a lass, so sweet, so lovable. Well, those are assumptions cause she, this hobbit lass I am talking about, does not show feelings easily. She is just like me, always cautious and careful. So I did hide for quite a while, my feelings for her. I kept them to myself, doubting them: O, come on, Byco, I said to myself, don't be such a silly hobbit. You should know she is always with you for other reasons then feelings of affection! But I could not deny my own feelings.
Circumstances forced me to leave her side as I was relieved of my duties as a bodyguard. But I did not like that one bit! Even though it was no longer my job to do so, I kept feeling responsible for her safety. So I kept in the vicinity, followed her wherever I could and made sure her perimeter was clear of dangers. Sorry, I do not mean to sound like a bounder on duty, but that's the way it was. Meanwhile the distance between us made my heart ache.
She must have noticed my presence, althought she acted as if I was not there. I can understand that now, she was indeed attracting danger and did not want anyone to get hurt because of that. Those things are much clearer to me now. And I was the first she contacted when she needed her loyal band of supporters around her again.
Being close to her again felt good, but then my feelings of great affection surfaced again. How was I to let her know? If I would utter them and she is unable to respond with affection to me things would get real awkward. It would perhaps be impossible to work for her anymore? And I would lose her again? Then I realised... these were all defenses. Shield up, defensive stance, like I was trained to do. But she is no enemy of mine! So I think what I did was the most courageous thing I had ever done: I approached her and opened up my heart. Yes, I did no longer aim at her heart, trying to "read" what was there, instead I opened up my own heart, to let her "read": I let her know my true feelings. I must now patiently await her answer. It can go either way: did she blush because I offended her or because she recognised her own feelings for me?
O, Byco, What have you done?! But no, I do not have regret. Not yet, not now. I have hope. It must be so, that I was attracted to this lass for a reason. A reason other then just seeing an attractive lass. O, she is attractive yes, but it is much more then physical attraction that I feel.
I think it's love... I love Yule!