Going Against Her Heart

It hurt, leaving those she'd come to know and treasure behind. She'd found acceptance there...warmth. She hadn't, since she could remember, had the ability to open and be herself with anyone. Yet here, she was able to, nearly without reservation. Even the ugliest parts of her were seen, protected...loved. She had found love there. A family.

But she had to do this. There was an unexplainable calling within her which beckoned her to go and work herself out. Her life was full of unanswered questions, which she'd not been sure if she cared to work through. She needed to better herself and grow into who she was. And now that she was sure Furley would not get himself killed, and Anastasiar would hold him to his word, she had the ability to go and do what was needed. But she had been torn. Truly torn. In both directions. Yet she knew she must follow the one which went against her desire this time.

Somehow, she could see Furley understood. It was strange how he could do that sometimes. He would not have the entire picture of what was in her mind, her heart, yet he understood in a way no one else did. Sometimes even when she did not. Even now, she could not quite understand this need to do it alone. But she did know it hurt to be apart from him. That it hurt him also. She could feel his pain. But she could also feel he trusted her.

She did not know when their paths would cross again. If they would. The thought shot through her heart so painfully, she tried to push it away. But she did know that he would always mean more to her than she could describe. Truly, she'd miss them all. Elthhelm and his ridiculous hat, and definitely his dog Ceowen. Her best friend and sister, Anastasiar. Even Kildwin and his temperamental push-up punishments. But she knew she'd miss one more than the lot of them. Knowing just how he always read her, he probably knew as well.

She patted her pocket as she led her horse down the road. She would need to learn to read on this journey. At least enough to know what thoughts paper could convey to her, that Furley's own mouth could not. She could guess at it. Actions always spoke louder than words. As a man of action, he was certainly an eloquent speaker.

"I love you," she'd muttered, as though the words could be carried over the miles upon miles of land. Words she couldn't say before leaving. She didn't want him stuck on something which might not be attainable. But the words nearly made it out anyway. Now her heart clenched painfully, causing her to double over a moment and her features to tighten. She would not cry. Not again. She made herself breathe slowly and deeply, easing the pain slightly.

She would make her way back, when she could. Back home. She knew what she desired, although she knew she wasn't ready. But she would be, someday. But she also knew that oft times, what is desired is not what we are given. She had to make herself okay with that. She did not want him waiting if better things came his way. She wanted whatever he needed, even if it tore her apart. Even if...it wasn't her.

But she would come back if it was possible. She would come home. She now knew that home in these lands...was wherever he was to be found.