Foolhardy.
Drunk.
Insane.
Stupid.
Traumatized?
Grieving?
In love…?
I whack my forehead with the palm of my hand several times. Fool, fool, fool! To my disappointment, that only makes worse the pounding in my skull. I should not have drank so much Dorwinion vintage the night before. I usually stop at two glasses, but glass after glass was handed to me, and I didn't stop to think…
Drunkenness was no excuse or reason for what I asked Celossiel beforehand; I practically begged of her to forge the rings! And though we did not even know each other that well, she said yes. I practically poured my soul out to her, but… She caught me at an emotional moment.
I groan as I think further back on what happened that evening, though it blurred a bit as I was drinking once Celossiel and I met up with Ithilwe, Tinnfang, and Cardanith. To my dismay, it seems rumors and stories of our loud argument had spread as quickly as I had dreaded, and I reacted poorly. Tinnfang seemed uncomfortable, as if he suspected what was between Ithilwe and I and did not want to be present - but as usual, it was impossible to tell what Cardanith was thinking.
Does that mean I shall have to come clean to him one day? “Ah, yes, Cardanith! This is Ithilwe, now my husband-!”
Husband. By the Valar, am I really doing this? Am I really planning for it?
My heart (or my stomach) lurches into my throat at the realization. Heaven only knows why it is sinking in now and not last night when I commissioned the rings!
I stand up out of the bed, wobbling uncertainly ere I grab onto the bed-frame to support myself. My knees are weak, but I do not think it is the hangover. I feel like I can barely breathe. Curses! I have not faced anxiety such as this since I faced down the dragon of Gondolin!
I manage to get to the window and swing it open, taking in a deep breath. Though it soothes my anxiety and clears my head for a moment, I know there is much to do before this ordeal is over. I pull my braided hair over my shoulder, running my hand down tresses woven by him, and tied off at the end with one of the blue ribbons from his own braids. It stands out against the deep red of my hair. First, the rings. It will be a time before they are even forged. I must put this anxiety aside, at least until the silver bands are in the palm of my hand.
I pause, my gaze turning to the sky. The sun had not risen high over the valley yet, and some stars were still visible, faint as they were. …Mallossel? I wonder if you can hear me - and if you can indeed, I wonder if you care. I spoke of you a lot last night - I think that is another reason why I was drinking. I hope you do not mind me taking your name. Dagnirlhug shall be my way of honoring you.
...I am scared as hell. I have never been in love like this before. I do not know what to do. I think you would like Ithilwe, though perhaps not as much as I do. I wish you were here to help me; though your idea of help is to offer me taunts, I would welcome it this time. Celossiel reminds me of you in that regard.
You would likely have scolded me for taking so long to do this - admitting my fear to myself, that is. There is much to be afraid of going forward. At least you do not have to fear for me any longer… And I should not have to fear for you. One day, we shall meet again.
