4 months and 2 weeks.
That's how long it's been since I settled down here and now feel ready to leave, but am unable.
I heeded the advice given and made my way into the town. I arrived cold and irritated after being caught in the rain. My time was spent near the hearth, listening to the chatter around while trying to keep warm. I heard her name mentioned many times, uttered by different voices and it made me uneasy.
Feels like there is judgment where I go, whispers and my movements watched. I don't know why and I don't like this feeling.
I saw the child again, but didn't speak to her. I remembered we talked about her coming to study with me, to learn her letters, perhaps someone else has taken over that lesson. She didn't greet me and rarely looked my way. It felt odd.
I met Fiontann and Maddoct in the tavern and both appeared surprised to see me there. Startled, even. It was uncomfortable. They were distracted with the child soon enough and I followed them around, uncertain what else to do with myself. I bought a drink that was never tasted because of distractions, to keep up with them and pretend to be a part of their group. I don't know if this trip to the town was worth the uncomfort and stress that it brought with it.
The man who offered to gather the herbs for me has returned, he found his way to the tavern and spoke with Fiontann. I tried to follow their conversation, but felt lost.
When I returned, I found what he'd brought and am surprised by what he managed to gather. Not all of it can be used as I had planned, but better to have it than not.
I also found a letter waiting for me from miss Blackburrow. I've left her and her family alone, I've not bothered her or spoken ill of her and yet, reading the letter, left me feeling mocked.
Again she speaks about happiness, as she did then. Either she doesn't understand or she is mocking me, the latter wouldn't surprise me. She might as well ask a man dying of thirst how he enjoyed his drink when he's had none.
I've yet to decide what I'll do. She invites me to visit her, I don't understand why. Is it to make some peace or trap me and blame. Maybe to further mock me about happiness.
-
I didn't ask for any of this.
-
I still can't sleep. I feel restless. I can't work and I can't read. I keep seeing something at my window, but when I turn to look, there's nothing.
Who's watching me? Why?
I hate this
I hate this
I hate this
I hate this
---
*The handwriting turns increasingly worse as the text goes on and the page has been torn out of the log-book*
