Nightmares of failure

I can't sleep, I keep having the same nightmare over and over of Failure. That is what I feel I am a failure. How could I not save him...I was right there and he just went down. I finally found Cal, I told him how much Gwaed missed him and how I missed him. I asked him to come back just like the old times. He stepped closer to the cliff and told me that he had no place among us, he was a killer nothing more. He said he didn't deserve Gwaed, she was kind and strong and noble. He said no matter how much he tried he cannot fight these instincts he has aquired. I thought he lived in peace but we must have a different version of peace. The lives he took were countless, to most his death was a blessing to a few, it hurt more than any wound. I pleaded to him, he stepped closer and shook his head telling me no, he won't return to just forget about him. He then stepped off the cliff, I ran it seemed slow motion, there is saw him fall into darkness, I couldn't save him..I couldn't keep my promise to Gwaed. I am a failure, when I saw her. I told her he just refused, how can I tell her I let him die! My own brother. That pain is worse than the one of my wound. I ran to try and find the bottom but I couldn't find his body. Only a dagger lodged into a rock with blood splattered next to it. Why must these things happen..why couldn't he just come. Now my guilt rises, how long can I keep his death a secret? I see his face now..his face along with the growing voices and the pain..pain in my eye and head and now my heart. I thought to myself that I had nothing to live for..why fight in this life anymore but I do, I need to protect Gwaed, I can't loose another who has been so close.