Molly's Wobbles 001:
It's been quite a long time since I've thought to put quill to parchment, but the time has come to relieve myself of my burdens.
I disappeared from The Shire for quite some time... how long, I cannot say.
I was aware that my health was declining and that it was becoming harder to do simple Hobbity things. I'm not one to confide in others so much - so kept my growing problems to myself.
Perhaps I should have said something to one of my Kinfolk - but it's too late to ponder "what-ifs".
It was in the middle of the night when I was in the worst pain that my Elf Guardians turned up at my former Harville) home in The Shire (more on that later). They took one look at me and without consultation it was decided it was time for me to return to Rivendell and the masterful magic and tonics of Master Elrond and other esteemed folks in Rivendell. I guess I must have looked awfully bad for them to do that the way they did - but that's Elves for you.
I had no idea how bad off I was but Master Elrond was very cross that I had kept my poor health to myself for so long. It appears I have quite a few things wrong that are independent of each other - but together they make my life a misery.
Over a number of months, Master Elrond and his team of experts diagnosed me
as follows:
- Sommat called "Severe Clinical Depression" / "Bipolar" (I need to have more tests done on that for the right tonics to take every day he says)
- Another thing called Aspergers Syndrome - part of sommat called Autistic Spectrum Disorders. (I know, it sounds right complicated to me too!)
- Degenerative Bone Disease - in fact I have a damaged spine and also damaged knees that need surgery. (I'm putting this off as long as possible)
- Irritable Bowel Disease - I'm supposed to change what I eat but give up PIE and CIDER and so many lovely Hobbity treats? That's asking too much if you ask me!
- My eyesight is now so poorly that I am what the Tall Folk might call "almost legally blind".
- I also have Chronic Bronchitis - when the weather is nice and warm it's not too bad but come the rain and cold I cough something awful. It sounds like I'm coughing up both my lungs. I'm told that as long as I don't cough up blood and/or discolored phlegm I should be OK, but there is no cure for that.
So there are no cures for these things. I am tired all the time and have spent a lot of time in bed. My Guardians don't live with me so I have to fend for myself and I find it very hard. My thoughts... well, my thoughts have not been the healthiest in quite some time. I just got tired of pretending, especially with the Kinfolk.
The Kinfolk.
The Grand Order of the Lost Mathom.
They have no idea about any of this.
So I vanished like I said - spirited away by my Guardians and was gone for so long that I messed up everything I had worked hard to achieve in The Shire.
I returned late last week to find that my Mayor's Residence in Harville had been foreclosed and my privileges on the Kinhouse Noticeboard were suspended. I harbor no ill will at all - it is entirely fair. I have not managed things as well as I should have and though I have so many physical and financial problems - there is no one to blame but myself.
I heard from Master Peppy a few times via the Bramblebury Gazette, which was was very nice indeed. He kept me up-to-date on some of the Shire and Harville goings-ons. Bless him, he actually arranged to have a friend of his take up residence in my old burrow so that I could reclaim it when I finally returned. Though I was between residences he sent me lovely post explaining everything to me but by then it was too late... My Guardians secured a new Deluxe House with the Elves so that they can keep a better eye on me.
There are other reasons for me not returning to Harville, thanks to a now ex-friend, which I think are best left unsaid in these pages.
What's done, is done.
I explained to Master Peppy in a note though, and I hope he understands, why I think it's best for me to give up the Harville Mayor's job and the Deluxe House at 4 Wending Way that went with it. The neighborhood would just be much better off with someone else more capable and qualified to manage things. I am happy to reimburse Master Peppy's friend for the coin he spent doing me, a total stranger, such a kindness.
So --
Slowly I am starting to get involved in Shire life again - albeit from a distance. I always felt disconnected from the Hobbitses anyway even when I was fairly active that I suppose it's just as well I'm not living there at the moment. Perhaps things will improve greatly and I will have a change of heart. But right now I feel rather alone and am probably best kept to myself, Shire obligations notwithstanding. I don't want to bring other people down just because I am.
No one has even asked why I've been gone or even how I'm doing. Some have said it's nice to have me back and I will content myself with that. At least if questions are not asked, I will not have to force the lie that everything is OK.
But I'm trying.
I showed up at the latest Green Dragon Friday this past week. Yesterday there was a Chicken Run event from Sandson's Farm to Evendim. I forced myself to go as a show of support for the Hobbitses, Kinfolk included, who organized it. To my everylasting surprise, I was included in a number of the drawings shared from Kinfolk and one of the attendees, a Longshanks named Master Naismithea. That was very nice to see - they all did a wonderful job with the details of my purple and gold dress, hat and backpack.
Master Naismithea called me buy name in his Report - and I have to say it was terrifying to see in print. He rightly points out that I struggled with getting across Lake Evendim but does not think it was anything to do with my ability. I did not have the courage to admit that my disabilities *were* causing me problems with running after chickens and the swimming. I had taken a tonic to help with running, but it wasn't strong enough. I even called my horse a few times just so that I could keep up. Thank goodness for Master Elrond's Elvish tricks - I would be lost without them.
Things for are ... in Limbo.
I don't know what the future holds but I'm not going to fear it.
All I can do is take things one step at a time, one day at a time. Eventually I may have to direct kinfolk and friends to this diary entry, so that they understand that I'm not the healthy, happy Hobbit I appear to be. I have problems, and there shouldn't be any shame in admitting it.
I will make a point of writing more frequently than I have done, even if it reveals how much I struggle to do ordinary things that healthy folk can take for granted. Maybe there is someone out there in a similar situation who just needs to know that they aren't alone in what they are experiencing, even if they don't really want to talk about it.
Mollywobbles Puddingdale
(4 May, 2015)
