A bittersweet reality

To slow down? Or to keep moving? To give my child up? Or to keep her? I fought so hard to find her. And my friends helped me. But Ryheric opened my eyes up to some harsh realities. I am a young mother, without a husband, and I am deaf. If we are attacked on the open road. If our rations ran out.. what would I do? I did not plan to have her. Yet, before I met everyone. I did not have the heart to give her away. She is a girl. Girls in my homeland do not have many choices when it comes to a future. I thought that despite my condition. I could protect her. I wanted to see myself, as a strong mother, that beat the odds.  That didn't need a man or anyone to help her.

But, the order of the world, the order of nature. It does not work in such a way. I now realize, that my reasons for keeping Salin. Are more selfish than I once thought. I love her of course. I love the way she makes me feel. The way, she brings me comfort, without even knowing it. I liked to see the smiles on my friend's faces at camp. When she is around. I've become so accostumed to my life before. The habit of taking one day at a time. With no plan other than to stay alive.

I haven't said much about my situation or dared to ask for help from the other women. For fear of being judged.  I still remember my first day in Bree-town. The way we were looked at. Suspcion, some fear, but the gatekeeper let us in. Midwife, Mother and child. I felt the pity. It disgusted me. It angered me. Where was the strength in me then? The raging fire?

I know the answers. But I don't want to  write those words on these pages. Not now. I will find a solution. I am no longer alone. And it is time that I stop acting like it. I have wisdom to give. Kindness to give. If I just center myself. If I just keep at the forefront of my mind. The inner wisdom that I know that I have. The sun will rise again.  And if I give Salin away to someone who can better provide for her. Perhaps the ancestors will be kind to me. And I can see her again when she is older. When I have become of better use to her.  A better version of myself.