Found:
Towerglan. Again.
So, bored out of my pretty little wits and in severe need of a change of scenery, I utilised that handily situated trellis to get myself up onto Steel's back again and rode myself straight out of Bree!
To Towerglan.
Like walking, it would seem that riding has limitations for me as well. At least for now. There's only so far I can go before my legs and back scream out for mercy and I... I have little choice but to grant it lest I run the risk of making my condition that much worse. Baby steps, Silver! I have to keep reminding myself of that.
Being in the area, I forced myself on until I made it as far as the White Wolf Tavern. It's not ideal, but at least if offers beds and friendly faces. More or less. Bessie was friendly and the conversation I did find was certainly entertaining. The proprietor though...
Seaver, ah Seaver, contrary mop-topped haystack that you are, all prickles and pins hidden behind the promise of a soft landing! The last we spoke, I had thought we had come to some arrangement or understanding of sorts. Either something has happened in my absence or, as I've always suspected, he's about as genuine a lead coin. Do I care enough to find out? About the man himself, not really. My animosity for him may have waned somewhat in recent months, but it would be a grievous dishonesty to suggest that I feel anything but indifferent toward him. He does have his uses however - owning such a lovely tavern with such cheap rooms being chief amongst them! - so I may make a token effort to get to the bottom of whatever fresh idiocy the man is wafting around like a penis on a pole today.
I made two new acquaintances at least. Taala and Eroforth. The former I vaguely recall meeting some time ago, although I feel no shame in saying that my mind was on rather more important matters than a pissy red-head at the time. She seems nice enough though, if a little on the superstitious side. Her husband was pretty enough and a little more astute than she. I suspect he'd be a difficult man to fool. Between them they have a wonderful sense of humour!
Of course, due to the circumstances surrounding my last meeting with Taala, talk turned briefly to the fate of Aidennan. It's been a while since I thought about him. Callous as it may seem, I try hard not to think of him. Aiden, an orphan boy from Bree to whom I offered all that I could. How might my life be different had you stayed with me, child? How might life have been different if your impetuousness had not led you first to the short-lived surrogacy of that wretched child-minded woman and then to your blood uncle? How might life have been different had I more quickly become accustomed to you calling me "mother?"
I miss the boy terribly, especially now.
What has become of him, I wonder. Is he happy? Is he safe? Did he find and survive that adventure he so dearly craved? Did he ever finish his lessons? Will anyone ever again love me as unconditionally and unquestioningly as that child once did?
Time runs short for me. I know it does. I'm thirty-three now, I've no home, no husband, no ties. For a long time that has been perfectly fine. For a long time that has been exactly how I wanted it to be. But now... now I yearn for the very things I have ever avoided. I want a home to return to. I want a man to whom I can dedicate my love, my fidelity, my passion and regard. I want a child of my own to teach and raise, to love and nurture in all the ways that I was not.
But I know all too well that such a life is not meant for the likes of me. I will die cold and alone, buried beneath debris or slowly liquefying from the inside out due to spider venom. I am not destined to spend my twilight years nestled in the warm embrace of the love of my life, watching my children and grandchildren grow to adulthood and regaling them with the stories of how daddy once slew a drake or mummy once rode a giant spider - on fire, no less! - out of an underground inferno. People like me don't get lives like that.
Be content with what you have, Silver.
He will never love you. No one will.
This knowledge has always been enough before and it must be so again.
You stand alone. It is not you against the world for the world cares not enough to mark your presence and that is as it should be. You are unimportant. Slip through the cracks, Silver. Leave no sign of your passing and never look back.
Theories and ideals which were once so easy have become so much more difficult to abide by in recent times. Some truths remain hard and steadfast, however.
I am alone. He will never love me.
