"I need to check on Steel," she had said. "I won't be long."
She'd meant it. She'd had every intention of returning within the hour. Ryheric had been looking better, resting easier it seemed, after Atharann's treatment, but she still didn't want to leave him, or the rest of them for long.
It was only after she had pushed out from the thick undergrowth concealing the entrance to the alcove, only when she was out of sight of the others, that she allowed herself a wince. She ached all over. She always did. There was always some manner of pain in her body now - her back or leg, injured by her brothers several years before, her shoulder, once dislocated and now with a tendency to pop out at a moments notice, or her hands, broken and fractured so many times over the decades that she was no longer capable of intricate tasks. She took a deep breath, pushing away the nagging soreness and she went in search of her horse.
There was no sign of him initially, so she picked a direction and followed the shoreline. He had to be around somewhere. He strayed, but he never moved too far away and he always came back. They had been together for over fifteen years, Silver and her wayward steed. She knew he'd be fine whether or not she came to check on him, but she also knew that she just needed a few minutes to herself, away from the others. She needed room, she needed space, she needed to ground herself.
It was about a quarter mile into her search that it hit her. Everything. All at once, like a mountain falling atop her soul. It was too much. It was all too much! One thing after another for months on end.
Rowan's apparent death, the shock of his survival and how she had come to learn of it.The misunderstandings and tiffs with Lavendara and Ryheric. The internal struggles she had been silently waging and had only just put to rest. The state of Tarsorel and her wondering if that was inadvertently her fault for bringing him his things. All the fears and sorrows, the stress of recent months, the struggles of adjustment and trying so hard to understand things that she should have known, had she been a better friend or person or anything but broken.
As she rounded a boulder, she felt her heart pounding in her chest, feeling fit to burst. Her legs were suddenly shaky and weak, buckling beneath her. Her backside hit the floor, but she barely felt it. She couldn't see properly. Everything was whirling around her as if she were drunk, but she hadn't drank alcohol in weeks.
"He needs your strength now. Not your tears," words spoken earlier to Lavendara. Silver believed that, she truly did, but she couldn't prevent her own from spilling forth now that she was alone.
A tight pain in her chest. She clutched at it desperately.
I can't breathe, I can't breathe! A flitting, panicky thought as she fought for air. I'm dying. No. I can't... not now. I can't...
She felt sick. Her slender frame shook like the last leaf on a tree in a gale. She was hot, so very hot. Not the pleasant kind of heat that she so loved to bask in, but the type that burns from the inside out. She gasped again and again, fighting with all she had left to just take a lungful of sweet, cool air. She couldn't die like this, not here, not now.
Alone. Alone she could handle. Hadn't she always believed that she would? The blade of an orc, the tearing of a wight, the sting of a giant spider or even crushed under the fallen masonry of some long forgotten tomb. She felt crushed now, but not by stone. By life, by fear, by emotions she had long since held at bay.
She couldn't die here. Not whilst Ryheric was still fighting for his life. Not until she knew for certain that he had survived. Not until she was sure. She couldn't abandon him. She'd promised!
I can't breathe....
Steel trotted over. He nudged her with his nose, snorted in her ear. It took her a few moments to register his comforting presence and then she threw her arms around his big, strong neck. If she was going to die, at least it wouldn't be alone after all. At least she'd be with her beloved and most loyal companion.
The great grey warhorse just stood there, letting her cling to him as if for dear life. He couldn't say anything, he couldn't hold her tight, but his mere existence was enough to help calm her all the same.
Slowly, the feeling faded away. Her heart rate slowed, her breathing deepened, becoming more even once again. The pain in her chest and in her head subsided. With his help, she rose to her feet, buried her face in his muscular neck and simply cried. Unashamed, unabashed, unapologetic.
She knew not how long had passed from start to end. It didn't matter. She thanked Steel for his patience, promising him no end of treats, then moved to the waters edge to scrub her cheeks, cool her eyes and at least make herself look presentable before heading back to camp. It wouldn't do anyone any good to see her as she had been. They had enough to contend with and she was alright now. She hadn't died. She had survived. They needed strength. They needed serenity. They needed every mask she had at her disposal and, in front of them, so did she for now.
She leaned against Steel for the entirety of the walk.
By the time she arrived, she was herself again. She was strong, self-assured, confident in her abilities and steady in her mind. At least, so she sought to make them believe.
She was not, however, expecting the scene that greeted her. A cursory glance, a pushing away of whatever worry or dread threatened to spoil her outwardly calm demeanor. Matters had, it seemed, gone from bad to worse.
"What can I do?" she asked for the second time that day, able and willing to do whatever was needed of her.
And again, she was put straight to work.
