Found:
Give me a chance! I've not even left yet!
I'm a coward. I know I am. Oh, that sweet pretty little lady Neyaa may well call me the bravest woman she's met, but we both know she was flirting with me. Of course she was. I'm gorgeous!
But there lies my cowardice in all its glory.
Denial.
It's been twenty years. Two decades of running from them, from myself, from what I am but, most of all, from the truth. I never wanted to face it - who would? But it's always been there, just below the surface, clawing away at the arrogance, conceit and narcissism I had adopted to try keeping it at bay.
How does that saying go? Speak the words enough and they become the truth?
It turns out that's not entirely correct.
Say something enough and you'll be able to convince the world, but you'll still not be able to fool yourself.
I sent Dagramir a letter. I have no idea if he read it or if he even received it. It'd be better if he didn't. I have no idea what I hoped to achieve by it...
And there I go again. Trying to fool myself. I know exactly what I hoped would come of it. Catharsis for me (utter failure in that regard), and something for him to hold on to. I barely know the man but I recognise his pain. I've lived it every day of my life. Foolish though it is to involve myself in any way, I wished to soothe him, to prevent him from becoming like me. He's on the same path, I can see that much, he's just not yet as far along as I. I can't save him from himself - heck I can't save myself from me - but I can at least offer him a piece of driftwood to cling to until real salvation arrives. If I've managed even that much, then I'm content that my life hasn't been a complete waste.
In the meantime, between the possibility of running into him or Eordion and needing to prepare myself for the journey ahead, I've mostly been staying out of town. I have ventured in when necessary, but have otherwise remained at the White Wolf. Hiding.
See? Coward.
Seaver is becoming slowly more tolerable. We spoke at length yestereve before Neyaa joined us. I admitted to him that, by this point, I only really hate him because if I didn't, I wouldn't feel anything at all. It's a cruel crutch maybe, but it's the only thing keeping my twisted little lump of coal from fizzling out at the moment. In his defence, he does have good taste in women. If I was inclined toward the fairer sex, I'd do her...
Alas, my preferences lie firmly with the breeches that bulge. There's little enough time for that left. Let the pretty little Baby Bird be my last. Unless I find a particularly handsome hillman on my way through Angmar.
Soon!
I'm nearly ready.
Tomorrow, I'll go.
For tonight, I'll terrorise Seaver's patrons and piss off his bar wenches with everything that I have! I even know which songs to sing!
